Getting Kids to Listen (for the first time)
So often, our brains look to the external for finding the root of a problem. What went wrong? Who or what’s to blame, here? How can I fix this?
The same happens in parenting, teaching, and guiding kids. When children don’t respond to a request in a way that we like (or in the way we want them to), it can trigger, or question who we are — as parents, teachers, mentors, or leaders. And so often, we look to the external for answers. Why aren’t they behaving as we would like them to? Why don’t they listen to me? What’s wrong with them?
However, in all cases, there is great value in looking inside of ourselves, before jumping to conclusions, or searching for answers.
For example, instead of asking “who is at fault here,” we can begin with a short pause, asking ourselves how we are feeling in the moment and what we need right now to nurture that feeling.
Lately, I have been talking to a lot of parents about the frustration of asking their child to do something a gazillion times, and their children blankly not responding to them a gazillion times.
That is frustrating. I have been there. While I was teaching in the classroom, some days I felt like my voice was on repeat all day, and no one heard it.
But usually, when we ask for something, and a child doesn’t respond the way we would like them to, our brain is hard-wired to immediately feel emotional for not receiving the response we wanted to hear.
So, how do we change it? What is the magic potion in getting your kids to actually listen and respond to you?
Unfortunately, there is no real magic, in my opinion; but there are a few ingredients, or steps we can take that have the power to radically change the way your kid’s listen to you and the way you talk to them.
Although each step may take a bit more of your time and attention today, in the long run, it will have saved you a lot of time and frustration. And you will have taught your children some very important communication and social-emotional skills they will take with them for the rest of their lives.
So …the next time your child isn’t paying attention or responding to a question, try some of these simple steps:
Look Inside of You
Before you speak, take a moment of pause to look inside of you. What is your intention for talking to your child in this moment? Are you distracted? Are you feeling clear? What tone of voice will you use?
For example, if my partner asks me for a favor while typing into his computer screen, I feel disrespected and annoyed, and most likely won’t respond in a positive way. Remember this when speaking to your children. What are some small, subtle ways you can change the way you are speaking to your children?
Some questions to ponder may be:
What do I appreciate when others are speaking to me?
How do I like to be asked for something?
How can I help my child transition from their current activity to what I am asking them to do?
Value Your Voice
You teach your children to value their own voices by ensuring that you also value your own voice. How does one value their voice? Be intentional — only use your voice when you really need to. Make directions short and simple. Be aware of your body position while you speak to someone (especially your children), and use a calm and neutral tone of voice when asking them to do something. This works wonders.
I truly believe that most children want to fulfill their parents’ expectations; yet, in order to do that, they need to know and understand their parents’ expectations of them. Use simple and consistent language and responses so they understand your expectations.
Use Mindful Communication
If your child doesn’t respond to you the first or second time, repeat the steps above, this time adding in some urgency in your tone of voice. You may even want to share your observations, how you feel when your child doesn’t listen or respond to you, and what you would like them to do the next time you ask them to do something (this is called nonviolent communication).
Cue:
Make an Observation: I noticed your eyes aren’t looking at me and your body isn’t moving, as I asked.
Share Your Feelings: I feel disrespected when you don’t respond to me or look at me when I talk.
Make a Request: Next time, could you please respond with your words when I ask you something?
Use Positive Reinforcement
Engage positively when your child responds to you in a respectful way. When a child does what you ask of them, thank them for responding and share how you feel when they acknowledge you.
Also, don’t forget to respect your child’s needs either. If they ask you respectfully for five more minutes, give it to them. Children are humans too and have needs and desires just like us. The more children feel seen and respected, the more they will listen and respect you!
So next time you feel like screaming down the stairs that it is bath time or your kids aren’t responding in the way you would like them to, take a short pause and remember to look inside of yourself. Bring awareness to your own voice and be intentional with what you say and how you say it. And let me know how it goes!