Becoming Your Child’s Confidante

“And just what are THESE, Kelsey Beth?” echoed my mothers voice, as she stomped through the hallway towards the couch where I was relaxing, her fingers tightly grasped around a box of tiny pills.

When I heard my middle name, I knew this was going to be serious.

What followed were the most awkward fifteen minutes of my teenage-hood, as I tried to explain to mom (using the most vague words possible), that I started taking contraceptives a few months ago.

Immediately, she reacted with an array of questions:

“So what does this mean? Aren’t you too young for this? How did you get these?”

My immediate defense was that I did talk to a “trusted someone” about it, and that someone happened to be my older sister. My sister was the one in my family who asked me all of the awkward questions I didn’t want to answer but I still wanted to talk about.

She was the one who warned me about wearing white pants (or white anything 😬) to high school. She was the confidante I felt comfortable asking and telling just about anything; it was not my mom.

Later, I learned that my mom wasn’t actually mad that I was taking anti-contraceptives. What she really felt was sad and rejected that I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about it first.

So how did my sister get to be my confidante?

When I was reminiscing about this story over the weekend, I immediately thought of YOU and the process of becoming your child’s confidante.

Because I imagine that sometimes, you think about what will happen when you kids grow into teenagers and start trying things. I also imagine that you want to be the type of parent your kid feels comfortable talking to just about anything.

So how do you become the type of parent, or confidante, for your child?

You start becoming that person, right now. Here are some more of my suggestions:

1. Share vulnerable moments: Show your kids that life is messy and that you are human too. Talk to them about the times you failed, your first kiss, your fears, or the moments you didn’t make the “best choice”.

When they are going through a particular struggle, ask them if they want to hear about when you struggled with something similar (AFTER empathizing with them).

When you start to talk about your vulnerable stuff, they will too (trust me, I do it for a living 😆).

2. Thank them for sharing. When they do tell you their vulnerable stuff, recognize it and thank them for sharing it with you. Tell them they are brave for saying it aloud.

3. Don't judge. Empathize with your kids' feelings and don't judge them for why they feel that way.

Beginning your responses with “I imagine you feel...” or “I bet it feels like...” validate your child's feelings and make them feel seen and heard.

When your children feel seen and heard (and not judged) by you, they will be more likely to want to tell you things, especially the messy stuff.